The Way of the Neurotic Warrior!

A dear Friend invited me to drive out of the city and into the mountains to a retreat center in the woods, to listen to a Buddhist teacher speak on Recovery. As we settled in and began to do our 30 minute meditation, I was looking forward to what I thought was going to be a peace filled experience. Thinking to myself that I have over 10 years of continuous sobriety, that a 30 minute meditation would be a breeze and a delight, but wouldn't you know it, It was sheer torture.

• It wasn't to long before my mind started chattering away and showing me all kinds of shit.
• Fights with lovers that never took place.
• The laundry I need to do. The house is a terrible mess. Im out of food again.
• The painting I have to complete, or how else can I call myself an Artist? Your no Artist your a fraud!
• And How will I ever pay for that PhD program? you know, the one I haven't gotten into yet...
• Where will I live when my relationship fails, will I leave the state? Will I give up everything I own. YES I really should, because I'm an American and don't you know we are spiritually bereft and materialistic.
• How will my mother feel when she finds out Ive located her Birth Mother? She's going to be really pisst off.
• When I finallypublish and go on tour, will Oprah like me when I'm on her show?
• How can I focus fame when the planet is dying right under your feet! Your so selfish.
• I need to detox my body right away or I'll become crippled and never forgive myself, My diet is killing me and I'm in trouble.
• I'm not going to enough 12 step meetings. Ive failed to commit to my recovery again!
• I don't need 12 step meetings anymore because I've outgrown all that crap and live in the real world now and besides I've heard all this shit a thousand times.
• Fuck Grandpa for cutting me out of his will! He's such an asshole! He just does not approve of Gays.
• Oh look, I think I see an Aura through my eyelids? Should I open my eyes? What else can I see with my eyes closed? Maybe it's a light being here in this very room...
• People are so loud, don't they get that this is a silent retreat, I mean How rude,
• This is Ridiculous.
• I'm in such terrible emotional pain, I just can't take it much more, My life is a failure and Im trapped in hell.
• I wonder if the tea is free?
• There you go thinking about food again, your such a food addict...
• You'll need some type of Yoga soon or you will die of Cancer...and on and on and on and on...

So this is my head and all the talking that goes on and the list is endless. There must be a diagnosis in the DSM5 somewhere, because Im so not in charge of this roudy gang of opinionated blabbermouths...

And finally, the gong, the blessed gong, signaling us that the meditation is over, in relief I come out of this trance of mental voices and intense imagery. Im SO exhausted I just want to crawl under a cold rock and fade away...

OK so Im a drama queen, Im sure no one else has this experience? right?

Color Blind

Some birds are able to see iridescent, ultra-violet colors, shades of neon light that human beings can hardly imagine. Dogs , I have learned, are not color blind, but possess only 2 types of cones in their eyes, which limits the amount of color they can perceive, but they do in fact see colors, mostly yellows and shades of bluish-purple. We have 3 types of cones, making our vision tri-chromatic.

• For all the lovely colors of the rainbow we are blessed to see in our world, there are many many other wavelengths of color we've never actually seen. It's not that they don't exist, but the simply remain invisible to us. Imagine for a moment what this really means. We see objects because light reflects off from them and enters our perception, but if we are incapable of perceiving most of the wavelengths of light being reflected in our world, then Imagine what is here that we can not see...
• We all know about X-rays used in revealing the bones hidden inside our skins, but did you know that they are along the wavelength spectrum of colors? How about Radio waves; like FM or AM? These to are hidden aspects along the color spectrum that we simply can not see. Television waves, Broad band digital etc. all fall somewhere on the spectrum.
• How about the spirits of the dead? Light beings? Angels or Demons? Aliens life forms? Spirits Guides? What if? What if?
• Though I can offer no empirical proof of these later categories, I can't; in good faith; rule them out either. None of us truly can. for the sciences require proof to dismiss as well as prove. So for now I'll enjoy the suspension of doubt these ideas provide for me and relish the rousing sense of potentiality for life they offer.

Love's First Kiss

• It's been over a year since I went to Home Depot for Paint and I've had this gallon of Indian Pink, called "Love's First Kiss" sitting on the floor next to my bed ever since. It's not unlike me to want to bring new energy into my life, more passion a freshness etc. But lacing exuberance, I let it sit for a year! It's just that there is always something else to be done or something else I'd rather do, but since I've been feeling low lately, I've decided to take drastic measures and paint out the old and bring in the new! and so far I love it!
• When I first moved to California with my mother in 1981, I remember the awe I felt being in Hollywood. I had always relished watching the show, "That's Hollywood" with all it's glamour and musicality, the sheer drama of the production brought me close to busting with excitement and now here I was in the land of dreams.
• What I realized very quickly was that I was not like everyone else. Being raised in Michigan, boys were not allowed to wear pink. I was shocked at the freedom of color my gender displayed. Not only did the boys wear Pink, but they seemed almost technicolor when compared to my muted tones and dreary wardrobe. Not only was it the clothing, but it was the flamboyant body language, but the swags of bleached hair! I was actually shocked and fearful to be around such freedom of expression. I feel somewhat sad now, looking back on this, to the boy I once was. I really was very repressed.
• I was only 13 years old then and fast forward 27 years to today, I'm painting my bedroom pink. I'm sure that from the outside this is no revolution. But When I think how I was raised to believe it was wrong for a male to wear pink, I shudder.
• Did you know that what we've been taught as the gender color code for Girls..Pink and Boys...Blue, was actually the opposite at one time? Pink was considered a watered down version of Red and was associated with power and masculinity. Blue was commonly chosen for Girls as a cooler, more passive color, reflective of ideals of Femininity.
• Imagine all this Hogwash, that I would be so overcome with fear doubt and insecurity by boys wearing Pink. What else do I believe about life that is Hogwash do you suppose? How about the idea that a man should not love and make love to another man?
• Imagine Love's First Kiss.

Honesty

• I ask myself, How honest am I willing to be here? You see it's not that I don't speak truth, but the question for me is, which one and how much. Now don't get me wrong, but I am only human and have insecurities beyond my own understanding. So when I desire to share myself, I immediately judge anything I have to offer as "not good enough" and what I'm seeking is authenticity., so what Ive decided to do is to write what IS, rather than what I think is appropriate. Now you must say to yourself like I do, "Boy you are crazy" and I would never ague that point, but crazy or not I am learning to strengthen my resolve to be "Balls Out" honest, which means ...I think, to free up my authentic voice, which would read and sound something like what I'm actually writing here.
• That's allot of set-up for my blog, but it's necessary, almost a disclaimer of sorts.
• So that done, walk this road with me while I break the bonds of societal servitude and the shackles of shelf recrimination to forge the long winded road of self discovery.
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• I'm on the verge of Grand Pontification, but let me spare you here. I was actually thinking about life in Northern California, but not from my point of view. But from the point of view of someone from, lets say; Michigan, who has never been to Hollywood except through the television or a movie theater. They call it the lad of fruits and nuts and while this in fact true, I have only heard it whispered with a faces pursed and a raised brow in seeming judgment of the kinds of people that live there and the things they supposedly do. "Those fruits and nuts" they say, as in the people themselves were fruity and nutty as all get out. Better they might be clear to say , "those California freaks", that would be closer to the truth.
• But I really cant blame them, because allot goes on here in Northern California that is unusual elsewhere. For Instance to day...A woman was jogging down the sidewalk in my neighborhood and when she reached our house, a ca load of black kids jumped out and stole her computer bag, laughed at her and drove off. She was so Pisst! She raised a huge fuss, not that I blame her. But here's the weird part, it's what people Will say to her about this situation that probably reveals our Northern California Fruitiness.
• besides the normally heard efforts of the concerned about her safety or her shock and did you call the police and did you see them etc.
• You'll also hear:
• When the goddess closes one door she opens another, or
• Back at them times three, or
• It must have been your Karma for something you did in a past life, or
• You must have been vibrationally unaware of your creation today, or
• The Universe is trying to tell you something, or
• Your survival Chakra must be unbalanced, you should wear red underwear for awhile so this wont happen to you.

I want to laugh out lout at the best intentions of most people, but It's a load of Metaphysical Tyranny, that leaves this poor person feeling like she somehow deserved to be mugged. And that just not spiritual in my book!