What you get is a story.

I've just come from watching the 3rd Stieg Larsson film, "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". I really love this series. It's not as clean as the typical Hollywood drama, one that ends with everyone winning a clear emotional victory of some kind. The question that is on my mind is about the main Heroine. How can she move on after so much shit. Can she love again? Will she ever really trust? True, she's gained some justice and we are thrilled, but after the villains are slain and the injustices addressed, when the trials are over and she's left to herself as she is, then a new story is eminent. The story really doesn't end, it just continues on into the next moment.

I don't know one person who does not have a story to tell. In each of our lives there are several narratives that have defined how we live and how we respond as well as what our dreams and goals. Everyone has a story to tell. And I'd add to this that there are more stories than can be counted within each one of us. I'm not the only person who has wanted to tell his story, but in my case I'm not sure if I want to relive it. Sure I will admit, I'd love to have myself published, to be read and appreciated for having an experience to share with the world. There is a fantasy, and I'm not the only one who shares in it, of becoming famous for our life's drama. I wonder if I'd really feel better having achieved such a goal? I'm not sure I can truly answer that question.

I'm thinking of all the people that I pass each day on the street; what do we really know of the ordinary man or woman? Not much considering all the taboos in our society against disclosure. What we don't wear on our sleeves ends up in the box office to be sure. The theater is an acceptable venue to tell any story. Wouldn't you agree? Its safe, we can leave, we are in the dark, we can sink into the characters, feel there emotions-love pain fear etc. We can live a sort of secondary life outside our ordinary experience. I love the movies for this reason. In fact story telling is all we do. Can you think of anything you have learned that doesn't translate into someone telling someone else a story? Education is story, politics is story, memory is story, any time we talk it's story. Think about art, does it not tell a story? The evening news, ordinary gossip, ask anyone how they are doing today and what you get is a story. Ultimately my point is a story. Your opinion is also a story. Human beings are story telling, story consuming creatures, so I ask, where do most of the stories come from in our daily lives?

TV-Movies-Newspapers-Books-Conversation-Myths-Etiquette-Law-Illness-Death.

The brain was made to automatically seek out patterns in whatever our senses identify. It's true, so story is also 'pattern'. And you'll create story in whatever you see in your world.

Rampage of Invincibility

If this environment has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, this environment has the wherewithal to deliver it to you, no exceptions.

Were going to start where you are and build you into the vibration that is necessary for you to be, do, or have anything you want.

I am beginning to understand that I am more than I see here in this physical body. I acknowledge that there is a larger part of me, a source energy part of me that is truly the essence of who I am. And I accept that a part of this consciousness is now flowing in this physical body and so there is a sort of duality going on within me where I have this stable beginning and becoming, and then there is the part of me that is focused here in this physical body. And I understand with clarity the value of the two parts of that which I am.

I can feel the eternalness of who I really am and I can feel the specifics of who I am in this human form on this leading edge time-space platform. And I am beginning to feel appreciation for the contrasts that surrounds me that once I condemned and now I embrace because I can feel that the contrast is inspiring yet another new idea from me and I remember feeling a new idea being born within me and hating the birthing of it because it was an idea that I did not believe and therefore brought me pain.

But now I’m experiencing the thrill of giving birth to new ideas, and even though I don’t know how or when or who, it will come about I don’t know where, I don’t have the details of how it will unfold. I do have Faith or belief in the laws of the universe and I am knowing that I am a creator who having given birth to this idea will be given all of the advantages of the resources of source in order to accomplish it.

So while I stand in this place of wanting something that I have no way of figuring out how it’s going to be…I am feeling soothed in the awareness of it, no more than soothed,

I not only feel soothed about having given birth to an idea of something that I want, I’m feeling enlivened by it. Because the larger part of me knows unequivocally that I am the own creator of my own experience and that larger part of me is not only looking at it and agreeing with it but has become the vibrational equivalent of it, that the larger part of me has already become what I’m asking for and so now it’s only a matter of the rest of me catching up with it and now that I know what I know I don’t think this will be too much trouble.

When I move in the direction of catching up with it I feel better and when I move in opposition of catching up with it I feel worse and I am feeling so sensitive to the way I’ve been feeling these days and I’m so proud of myself because I’m aware of when I’m going with the flow and when I am not, I’m aware of when I’m moving downstream and when I’m moving upstream, I can feel when I’m letting myself be who I have become and I can feel when I’m not letting myself be who I have become and I’m no longer mad at myself in the moments when I’m not letting myself be who I’ve become because those moment only help me know the difference in the guidance system. I can feel I’m actually molding the clay.

I’m finally in the place, I don’t need to be the manifested receiver of everything that I want all at once because I know that it’s all coming, that there will never be a time when I’m not sending more rockets of desire into my future.

I’m finally beginning to get it that I never get it done and I cannot get it wrong because everything I’m living is causing and expansion and I can tell by the way I feel that I am moving toward that expansion or not. Finally I’m begging to understand that it was never about the fulfillment or the manifestation anyway!

These things that I want are only my target to focus upon so that I can ride this river of life.

I am fulfilled in the knowing that I am expanding and I am thrilled in the knowledge that I’ll never get it done, and I am satisfied, deeply satisfied with where I am. I am thrilled in knowing that I am where I am and that I’m putting the boat in the water wherever I am, and my knowledge that the stream is flowing downstream ever flowing towards all that I’ve become is enough for me to feel satisfaction where I am.

No more will I nit-pick as I measure the distance between where I am and where I want to be. Instead I flow on this joyous river and I experience the exhilarating feeling of motion toward my expansion. I can feel that the source within me loves me and adores me and has become the expanded version and I can feel that there is no remorse or discomfort whatsoever in the being of my source.

My source; not for a moment; looks at me where I stand and compares where I am to where it is and mocks me in the non-achievement. Instead the source within me that is expanded as a result of what I have lived stands in loving appreciation of all that I have become and calls me never endedly toward it. And now I get it that that’s what life is, that the duality of me, that the source energy that was willing to come forth that expanded out further and now the physical part of me that’s willing to catch up. I now get my place in this universe. I’m important to the expansion of the universe and it’s time for me to receive the benefit of my expansion. And now I know how.

Passion is a River

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest man in the world and sometimes I feel cursed. Most of the time I feel hurried and behind schedule. Once in awhile I arrive at a silent window of total peace that wakes me from my cultural sleep. I find myself totally in the moment; hand in hand with a completely silent mind; I know that there is a freedom beyond anything I've imagined. I sense it's power, it's vast and great Profundity, like the sun itself, obvious, alien... and then it slips away. "Slipping" is an inaccurate verb. for I believe 'it' doesn't slip away, but that it is I who sail away from "it", or careen off into realms of my own desiring. Desire pulls consciousness, bends the attention, draws us towards that magical mirage of something wanted. Desire has the ability to shape will; pure and unfettered the will arises as the handmaiden of desire. Will is the servant of intention, neutral, loyal, waiting for the call. The deeper the passion the clearer the call.

Passion is our river, Will is the vessel that rides the waves, desire is the land not yet seen...

Emotional Cost Analysis

Life today,

The cost of becoming a Doctor is more than financial, it's emotional as well. Can anyone say "STRESS"

The State of California Budget is still unsigned and they are the ones that provide Vocational Rehabilitation with Capitol to pay for people like myself to Learn a new career and get back to work! A wonderful Gift our society has given to itself. Yeah Society!

Voc-Rehab has been assisting and supporting me all the way through this process, encouraging me to go to community college to complete my pre-requisites , paying for special preparatory class on the GRE, and paying for the GRE test itself and the GRE PSYCH Exam. Sending me to Hypnosis certification School, to add a specialization to my final Goals of PsyD/PhD. and paying for some of my Books, Supplies, Travel expenses and Tuitions. All this in preparation for my applying to graduate schools for Psychology all over the Bay area so I can give up being a professional 'Handy-Man' and become a Doctor and help my society etc.

Now I've started this Graduate program, I received lots of financial aid and had to accept some loans and Vocational Rehabilitation was to fill in the final expenses. but because of the State delays, nothing is coming, everything is on hold, The book costs and tuition allotment they provided actually made this possible. Otherwise I would not have enough money.

Im the guy in school who does not qualify for graduate PLUS loan to cover the remaining costs, so Voc-Rehab is absolutely essential. 98% of the Doctoral Students need Graduate PLUS loans to help them to help pay for expenses. They are not a freebees, not by a long shot. However I Don't qualify because of my disability bankruptcy in Oct.2007. They have a policy of 5 years before they allow grad plus loans after Chapter 7 discharges. I contested the Denial decision and did the all paperwork and had the meeting to discuss my situation. Still denied. :-( In short I might qualify in 2.5 years, The guy said, "It's so easy to get an and endorser and when you consolidate at the end of the education, their name will be off the loan. Blah blah blah. Everyone I know is in pretty much the same boat financially these days, especially now with the market. This is not an uncommon story.

I've decided to stay focused, work and study and wait for the State. I've just enough for fall and spring tuition, two full semesters. I'll deal with summer when summer comes. My program requires full time summer school attendance, so really I have 3 semesters to pay for each year, but I will not have the summer tuition if Voc Rehab isnt funded, and I'd still need more cause it's still short.

This is really frustrating because It's been 3 dedicated years just to get here, just to get in. And I would not have believed it was ever possible without my supportive counselor at Voc-Rehab, the tests they gave me revealing my strengths and aptitudes, the career options best suited to my test results etc. . Dont get me wrong, I am very very Grateful for all this amazing help they are providing. BUT, I only walked into this entire situation with the knowledge of receiving aid and I committed to basic loans and received other grants as well. All non refundable expenses. I've committed myself financially and worked very hard and steadily to get here and now I'm afraid I will not be able to stay and this makes me so upset and angry and sad.

I fear being told, sorry, your poor- too poor and you did 'life' wrong somehow... You got sick, you didn't work, you should have done XYand Z...and and and...

I'm currently spending so much time on school work that my ability to do my other current job is very limited because of the graduate school workload, it's a HUGE load and the biggest responsibility I've ever undertaken. I'm proud to take this on. It's an Honor. I feel blessed.

But sometimes, like now, I'm reminded of my Grandfather removing me from his will, a shitty mystery? "the gay kid is out"...perhaps... I think of my choice to go through with the "Disability Bankruptcy" in 2008 because while recovering from MS problems and other health issues, I could not work enough to pay my rent, much less my credit cards; one credit card company actually drained my bank account of the pittance of disability funds I had received..which by the way was Illegal...(still angry about that one because I do and did pay into social security! and it's protected from collections by federal law so banks cant take your social security when your sick) but I digress...

We all have our problems. Drudging up the past does nothing but make me lose focus and feel bitterness. None of us can afford resentment or bitterness over the past. Im sure you know the cycle. yatta yatta yatta..Cry me a river right? Maybe I have high end problems

I think part of me is wanting to quit and run off and say fuck it, this cant happen, your never going to be a Doctor.

My dad said "Psychology is Satan's Work".

My mom worries it's a poor choice on my part. that I'll be giving up my Artistic Freedoms...

Still another part says, "if I run and quit, I'll live in regret for the rest of my life and die a bitter poor old queen...

Again, mine are high end problems.

I don't live under martial law in Iraq, half my family murdered, millions dead.

Im not dressed in army fatigues, suffering from PTSD and needing Psychological care, (which I plan to provide when I graduate)

I'm not the gay teen being beaten to death in wyoming for desiring and loving a man.

I still have a place to call home in a very safe neighborhood with nice loving people all around me, many of whom are here from war torn countries looking for a better life.

Get the picture?

Maybe you will help allot of gay men and women find strength to live happy and prosperous lives with their heads held high .

Maybe your going to Help the soldier Suffering with PTSD,

Maybe your going to be there when a Woman and her child need help because they have fled for their lives.

And maybe you wont...

And then there is another voice inside, one that says,

"It will all be alright." "Do what you can when you can and practice taking right actions despite having huge fears, doubts and Insecurities... it's not courage if your not afraid...

Time will reveal what is to come and you will accept what comes with grace head on. Don"t Quit 5 minutes before the miracle!

You will be shown the way to give back what you have been so generously given though it may be in a way you could never have dreamed of.

It may look nothing like what you thought it would...It may be another path altogether. So stop Clinging so hard, you'll give yourself a head-ache.

Let go of your expectations, your pretty picture of pathological control. Let go of being a guest on Oprah, let go of winning the Lotto. Let go of Fear of financial insecurity.

Let Go. Because whatever is coming will definitely come and what is it your really afraid of anyway?

Beyond the Fear of not getting what you want?

Beyond the fear of losing what you have?

What are you Really Afraid of?

--

Love is the best thing--

Faces on Facebook: Mini Interview with John Sanders

Faces on Facebook: Mini Interview with John Sanders

Groped and Jacked

"You should have him fired" - "Call and report him"- "What do you get if you buy 6 tires"?

One of my least favorite tasks is to buy tires for my truck. I usually wait until I absolutely have to, before I let go of my Cash. It's silly really, not to just bite the bullet, but those babies cost about $500. and I have so many things I'd rather spend $500. on. Im sure you do to.

• So I travel about Oakland searching for the best deal on tires I can find and collect quotes from different businesses and I think Iv'e found what is a great deal. I show this tire salesman all my quotes and he laughs and shows all his workers, they laugh and say, we will beat all their prices, they are ripping you off. I'm Smiling, THey are smiling, it's a win win . I'm thinking how smart am I to shop around. He says that he has to order the tires from the main warehouse and to come back. I ask him to write down his price on his card, but he doesn't seem to like this suggestion. He does it anyway.
• Yesterday afternoon, I drive over to the shop and a different crew is working, I tell the man who approaches exactly what I want. Four tires at $65. each out the door. All costs included. This somewhat youthful pakistani man with bright smiling eyes and a very long beard asks me to follow him into the shop, at once my body sais, "STOP! Don't go in." so what do I do, I walk in thinking, nothing going to happen. He leads me through to the back and to the base of a stair case. and is calling up to someone. I dont hear a reply but he keeps calling up to someone. He then beckons me to follow him up stairs to the tire stacks.
• NOW-my body was exceedingly clear. It told me NO. Dont go! SO why did I override this warning, When did I learn to ignore my body and doubt my gut instinct.
• I've heard it said that when a man shaves his beard, he trims off his instincts. Probably a leftover from the Sampson and Dellilah Myth. Im not sure, Maybe having shaved very well that morning has clouded my judgement. Who knows...
• The point is, I went right up those stairs anyway, because...and here come the mental rationalizations..
• 1. 'I'm getting a deal and this man may need my help bringing them down'.
• 2.'He's new and unsure of protocol.
• 3.'He's taking me to the boss whose up there.
• 
  
• These thoughts are followed by..
• 
  
• "They never let customers inside because of insurance regulations"
• "Something is wrong with this situation"
• "You don't want to be alone with this man"
• "These tires are cheap, Get up there"
• and my favorite..."Be a Man Damnit!(such bullshit)

So wouldn't you guess, I get up there and he starts to get to close. I mean in my face all smilling and seductive, eyes flashing, teeth grinning and his HANDS moving right for my Pants. "You Like? You Like, My friend...you like?" I'm in shock... Sort of like an OX in the headlight of a swiftly moving train...and the brain sais,

• "This isn't happening"
• "He's Kind of cute"
• "What the Fuck"
• "The Tires are Cheap"
• "He's so nice I don't want to offend him"(whats that?)
• "What if he doesn't want to stop and I CANT stop him?"
• "I know this situation, Iv'e been here before"
• "Fuck the tires Just Leave!"
• "How Sweet of him to desire me."
• "He's Gay Pakistani Emmigrant working in a rough Neighborhood, probobaly lonely, and closeted, fearing his co-workers will find out and kill him, but risking intimacy ."
• "Poor thing, Give him a little, he needs some."
• "My Cheap Tires...Fuck"

All this races through my mind Instantly and I take a deep breath, put both hands on his shoulders and Gently, but firmly push him away from me and say No, looking him dead in the eye. I turn around and leave, down the stairs and back into the open air. I feel nothing- but that flushed emergency state, all those alarm chemicals flowing through my veins. There is no room for emotion. I cant summon any clear sense of emotion. Then my mind sais,

• "But what about my cheap tires"
• "Dont leave without your tires"
• "Such a deal"
• "What do I get if I buy 6"

My inner prostitute is strong and wants a deal. Im willing to sell my personal comfort for a discounted tire.

My inner child is pleading for me to leave.

My inner Demon sais, 'Fuck them, torch the place, mother fuckers!"

My inner sex addict sais, 'You've just missed out.'

My recovered self sais, "Call your Sponsor ASAP"

Here's the rub... Ive got to pee so bad I realize that I need to find a bathroom NOW! I ask the man behind the glass window, he directs me Back into the darkness of the shop and as I rush in to find this potentially horrid squallor of a cess-pool bathroom... (You know how gas station bathrooms are..Im suddenly reminded of George Michael's arrest) I find it , Lock the door behind me and realize that Im actually ion a high state of panic. And now safe behind locked door, alone I know how completely upset and angry I actually am. All the emotions rush in. I want to yell and cry at the same time. I look in the mirror and hear myself actually let out a whimper. OK If im whimpering, then I need to take care of my shit and right now. No one fucks with me Damnit! ...my defenses are now engages for batttle.

NOW Im Ultra Firm. I robustly say where's the manager! This is what I was promised, can you deliver. He looks at me goes to his computer, turns around and sais the price has changed since you first cam by. they are now $87. per tire.

In the back of my mind I hear a faint voice of reason, it sounds like my boyfriend Chel, saying, "Never buy cheap tires, it's to risky" Tires should always be a trusted brand, Go to a major chain and pay the money, buy the insurance, get the lifetime rotation, and balancing...

Im suddenly clear...crystal clear. I walk away and get into my car, go straight to Firestone. I dont argue, I dont worry about the price and Never put up with crap. All I wanted was some tires, pretty straightforward, but no I get Groped and Jacked.

I Go directly to Firestone, I walk into the office I hand him my information. He's a 300 lb straight white guy, chewing tobacco, I feel so relieved, My entire body is relaxed and Im calming down. I sense the safety of this place.

Im very calm. Im not afraid. Im not confused. My mind is as quiet as a glass pond at midnight.

You know, our bodies put up with so much crap from us. And still does everything it can to steer us in the right direction. When I listen to my body, my mind stays calmer, and the mental obsessions aren't triggered. My mental committee stays in check.

I wont be Calling to complain, or seeking some sense of restitution for harms done. I Don't want to punish anyone over this. What I want is to really hear my body, to give it the attention and respect it deserves.

I'm going to give my body the attention and respect it deserves. Im going to give myself attention and respect.

The Way of the Neurotic Warrior!

A dear Friend invited me to drive out of the city and into the mountains to a retreat center in the woods, to listen to a Buddhist teacher speak on Recovery. As we settled in and began to do our 30 minute meditation, I was looking forward to what I thought was going to be a peace filled experience. Thinking to myself that I have over 10 years of continuous sobriety, that a 30 minute meditation would be a breeze and a delight, but wouldn't you know it, It was sheer torture.

• It wasn't to long before my mind started chattering away and showing me all kinds of shit.
• Fights with lovers that never took place.
• The laundry I need to do. The house is a terrible mess. Im out of food again.
• The painting I have to complete, or how else can I call myself an Artist? Your no Artist your a fraud!
• And How will I ever pay for that PhD program? you know, the one I haven't gotten into yet...
• Where will I live when my relationship fails, will I leave the state? Will I give up everything I own. YES I really should, because I'm an American and don't you know we are spiritually bereft and materialistic.
• How will my mother feel when she finds out Ive located her Birth Mother? She's going to be really pisst off.
• When I finallypublish and go on tour, will Oprah like me when I'm on her show?
• How can I focus fame when the planet is dying right under your feet! Your so selfish.
• I need to detox my body right away or I'll become crippled and never forgive myself, My diet is killing me and I'm in trouble.
• I'm not going to enough 12 step meetings. Ive failed to commit to my recovery again!
• I don't need 12 step meetings anymore because I've outgrown all that crap and live in the real world now and besides I've heard all this shit a thousand times.
• Fuck Grandpa for cutting me out of his will! He's such an asshole! He just does not approve of Gays.
• Oh look, I think I see an Aura through my eyelids? Should I open my eyes? What else can I see with my eyes closed? Maybe it's a light being here in this very room...
• People are so loud, don't they get that this is a silent retreat, I mean How rude,
• This is Ridiculous.
• I'm in such terrible emotional pain, I just can't take it much more, My life is a failure and Im trapped in hell.
• I wonder if the tea is free?
• There you go thinking about food again, your such a food addict...
• You'll need some type of Yoga soon or you will die of Cancer...and on and on and on and on...

So this is my head and all the talking that goes on and the list is endless. There must be a diagnosis in the DSM5 somewhere, because Im so not in charge of this roudy gang of opinionated blabbermouths...

And finally, the gong, the blessed gong, signaling us that the meditation is over, in relief I come out of this trance of mental voices and intense imagery. Im SO exhausted I just want to crawl under a cold rock and fade away...

OK so Im a drama queen, Im sure no one else has this experience? right?

Color Blind

Some birds are able to see iridescent, ultra-violet colors, shades of neon light that human beings can hardly imagine. Dogs , I have learned, are not color blind, but possess only 2 types of cones in their eyes, which limits the amount of color they can perceive, but they do in fact see colors, mostly yellows and shades of bluish-purple. We have 3 types of cones, making our vision tri-chromatic.

• For all the lovely colors of the rainbow we are blessed to see in our world, there are many many other wavelengths of color we've never actually seen. It's not that they don't exist, but the simply remain invisible to us. Imagine for a moment what this really means. We see objects because light reflects off from them and enters our perception, but if we are incapable of perceiving most of the wavelengths of light being reflected in our world, then Imagine what is here that we can not see...
• We all know about X-rays used in revealing the bones hidden inside our skins, but did you know that they are along the wavelength spectrum of colors? How about Radio waves; like FM or AM? These to are hidden aspects along the color spectrum that we simply can not see. Television waves, Broad band digital etc. all fall somewhere on the spectrum.
• How about the spirits of the dead? Light beings? Angels or Demons? Aliens life forms? Spirits Guides? What if? What if?
• Though I can offer no empirical proof of these later categories, I can't; in good faith; rule them out either. None of us truly can. for the sciences require proof to dismiss as well as prove. So for now I'll enjoy the suspension of doubt these ideas provide for me and relish the rousing sense of potentiality for life they offer.

Love's First Kiss

• It's been over a year since I went to Home Depot for Paint and I've had this gallon of Indian Pink, called "Love's First Kiss" sitting on the floor next to my bed ever since. It's not unlike me to want to bring new energy into my life, more passion a freshness etc. But lacing exuberance, I let it sit for a year! It's just that there is always something else to be done or something else I'd rather do, but since I've been feeling low lately, I've decided to take drastic measures and paint out the old and bring in the new! and so far I love it!
• When I first moved to California with my mother in 1981, I remember the awe I felt being in Hollywood. I had always relished watching the show, "That's Hollywood" with all it's glamour and musicality, the sheer drama of the production brought me close to busting with excitement and now here I was in the land of dreams.
• What I realized very quickly was that I was not like everyone else. Being raised in Michigan, boys were not allowed to wear pink. I was shocked at the freedom of color my gender displayed. Not only did the boys wear Pink, but they seemed almost technicolor when compared to my muted tones and dreary wardrobe. Not only was it the clothing, but it was the flamboyant body language, but the swags of bleached hair! I was actually shocked and fearful to be around such freedom of expression. I feel somewhat sad now, looking back on this, to the boy I once was. I really was very repressed.
• I was only 13 years old then and fast forward 27 years to today, I'm painting my bedroom pink. I'm sure that from the outside this is no revolution. But When I think how I was raised to believe it was wrong for a male to wear pink, I shudder.
• Did you know that what we've been taught as the gender color code for Girls..Pink and Boys...Blue, was actually the opposite at one time? Pink was considered a watered down version of Red and was associated with power and masculinity. Blue was commonly chosen for Girls as a cooler, more passive color, reflective of ideals of Femininity.
• Imagine all this Hogwash, that I would be so overcome with fear doubt and insecurity by boys wearing Pink. What else do I believe about life that is Hogwash do you suppose? How about the idea that a man should not love and make love to another man?
• Imagine Love's First Kiss.

Honesty

• I ask myself, How honest am I willing to be here? You see it's not that I don't speak truth, but the question for me is, which one and how much. Now don't get me wrong, but I am only human and have insecurities beyond my own understanding. So when I desire to share myself, I immediately judge anything I have to offer as "not good enough" and what I'm seeking is authenticity., so what Ive decided to do is to write what IS, rather than what I think is appropriate. Now you must say to yourself like I do, "Boy you are crazy" and I would never ague that point, but crazy or not I am learning to strengthen my resolve to be "Balls Out" honest, which means ...I think, to free up my authentic voice, which would read and sound something like what I'm actually writing here.
• That's allot of set-up for my blog, but it's necessary, almost a disclaimer of sorts.
• So that done, walk this road with me while I break the bonds of societal servitude and the shackles of shelf recrimination to forge the long winded road of self discovery.
• 
  
• I'm on the verge of Grand Pontification, but let me spare you here. I was actually thinking about life in Northern California, but not from my point of view. But from the point of view of someone from, lets say; Michigan, who has never been to Hollywood except through the television or a movie theater. They call it the lad of fruits and nuts and while this in fact true, I have only heard it whispered with a faces pursed and a raised brow in seeming judgment of the kinds of people that live there and the things they supposedly do. "Those fruits and nuts" they say, as in the people themselves were fruity and nutty as all get out. Better they might be clear to say , "those California freaks", that would be closer to the truth.
• But I really cant blame them, because allot goes on here in Northern California that is unusual elsewhere. For Instance to day...A woman was jogging down the sidewalk in my neighborhood and when she reached our house, a ca load of black kids jumped out and stole her computer bag, laughed at her and drove off. She was so Pisst! She raised a huge fuss, not that I blame her. But here's the weird part, it's what people Will say to her about this situation that probably reveals our Northern California Fruitiness.
• besides the normally heard efforts of the concerned about her safety or her shock and did you call the police and did you see them etc.
• You'll also hear:
• When the goddess closes one door she opens another, or
• Back at them times three, or
• It must have been your Karma for something you did in a past life, or
• You must have been vibrationally unaware of your creation today, or
• The Universe is trying to tell you something, or
• Your survival Chakra must be unbalanced, you should wear red underwear for awhile so this wont happen to you.

I want to laugh out lout at the best intentions of most people, but It's a load of Metaphysical Tyranny, that leaves this poor person feeling like she somehow deserved to be mugged. And that just not spiritual in my book!