Knowing this I was cautious entering anything that would cause what they told me was a flooding experience. Floods Fires Burns Drowning, its all so dramatic, but ultimately this is my experience of human nature-extremes. Lady Miss Cleary on the other hand was in a league unknown to my eye. This was a private, not erotic focused, breath work session. And yes it was work. She said Many things might come up and to try and accept them and push through them, that old stuff would be released and may reveal it's history on it's way out.. As for me I stopped eating animal products 3 days ago, something I never do, but it just started without any resistance on my part. I watched Oprah and she did a week of vegan to see what would come of it, so I was convinced to give it a try. I was not seeking anything life changing, just an awareness that I was not going to eat animals for awhile and drink water more. What i didn't connect was that Miss Cleary had recommended to me that i arrive on an empty stomach, so I did, but i began relieving my system of heavy items days before and this actually helped facilitate my release. I bit of synchro-destiny at play, I often say that my body knows before I do and in this case she was right..and for that I'm grateful. so to get to the point of my experience here, I'd like to preface it with saying you may think me odd or even nuts for what I'm about to share. But I have to be real and speak my truth just the same.
First we started the breathing and it was a three part process 2 in 1 out all through the mouth. deep inhale to low belly followed quickly by second inhale to upper lungs and firm exit from the mouth -in in out in in out in in out and so on... Doing this for an extended time created a buzzing in my ears and a tingling feeling on my arms legs and face, my mind said this is to much and it showed me all the reasons it wouldn't work-(to protect me I might ad), but Lady Miss Cleary said that this could happen and to keep breathing and let the body take over and trust the process, so trust I did and breath I did indeed. Soon my hands where curling up and locked into a fusion and my mouth and lips to became somewhat pursed and firm, It was the oddest feeling , after some time,I sensed that I could not breath and had a strong desire to open my mouth and massage my jaw and neck and lips, stretching and puling , even pressing, I asked Lady Miss Cleary to please press firmly on my shoulders -and press them down into the mattress I was lying upon. This all seemed vitally important , almost medical.
-I KEPT SENSING SOMETHING COMING UP FROM VERY DEEP INSIDE ME, FROM MY SACRUM,
It was a burning and trembling sensation, after a time of trying to open myself up I realized what was the matter. For I knew very clearly that I had given birth alone in private, I have no idea where the people were but I was doing this alone. I dont know whow this came to be but it was a vision. This tiny black baby was birthed from me and it was not breathing, I was frantically attempting to open it's airways and mouth to blow air into him and to massage his tiny body into some form of activation and it just would work, I just couldn't do it, I realized that I was losing my baby and there was nothing I could find to make that not be so. Lady Miss Cleary made me aware of someone or something to invite to my heart, to give it over to the heart, then a tall white lady came in and i knew her, I've seen her prior and I intuitively knew she had been with me all along, all though my life. and she placed her hands in my heart and I fretfully released the child to her, my dead child being taken by this angelic mother being. I know I have to let go and give him up but I cant give up yet and so its a tormented dance.
So what you would have seen I suspect was me,as a tormented crying angry woman giving birth to a dying baby that she wasn't ready to give up on yet. Fact is Ive been holding onto this situation for an incredibly long time and it's informed my current life in so many ways I could not have known till this surrendering. Meanwhile back to john laying on Melanie's bed crying and screaming from a very deep and old place. I'm barely aware of the life I thought I was leading up until this point, it's vanished in this dream regression, voodoo, tantra, breath shrine, detox, re-birthing experience. Whats left now is me exhausted and the phrase, I want to die I want to die going over and over and over in my mind, I cant live with this loss, I don't wish to live and I'm speaking to god directly, no one else, I'm telling god to please let me die. I'm ready now! Miss Melanie steps in and gently touches my feet and I'm suddenly -instantly grounded and stabilized. I know I'm not usually the most grounded person, I'm one of those "flying boys" that therapists talk about, but with all this loss locked up in this body, I'd be flying to, wouldn't you? Its certainly an adaptive strategy under dire circumstances. Lady Miss Cleary asks me to belly laugh hard and deep. and I'm thinking what did you just say? I just lost my baby and I want to die-"Oh no she didn't"This little white girl gone said the wrong thing" but she whispers something to me and its truth, she leans in and whispers 'you take yourself so seriously". I sort of froze at that I was frozen in two worlds the world of the mother who lost her son and failed to resuscitate him and John's world, the friend from school who came for a basic breath work session. And in this moment I know Ive got to learn to laugh at even this saddest of losses. Ive got to learn to laugh at this, because I am aware that I am the most serious man I know and I'm known for my seriousness. But here I am being offered another gift to bear upon this scene, the release of laughter, so I try, but it feels false and flat and I keep trying and then I cry some more, then I cry again and then I burst out laughing down to my toes and I feel my throat open up and love come rushing through and out, I'm almost singing. I want to sing. Here's where the clicking starts happening,
I'm so aware of how much love I have for my man and my friends, it's beaming from my aching heart, I have this massive abundance within me waiting to come out. I See my family and my mother and I say thank you god, thank you god. I'm going to speak my truth to them like never before and I'm finally going to free myself from the burdens Ive been carrying. It starts with the baby and the surrender of the hope of changing the situation, now I can forgive, though I feel I'm ripped open and horribly sore like I can barely walk. It really hurts to have given birth, It really hurts to lose your baby in your arms, I feel vacated painfully and yet light, so light in fact the light in the room is so incredibly bright that I can barely see. I fumble for my shoes, I cant really figure them out but the change from my pockets keeps moving from shoe to shoe, I am discombobulated as the say, wide open the light is so so intensely bright and even though I can barely stand I'm still saying thank you god thank you god. I am aware of starving and needing to eat but I need to be very careful what I ingest, so Lady Miss Clearly asks me to ask my body what it wants, and the first thing I know is 'seaweed and almonds", and I'm going to get them. She hands me a bowl of almonds and they are the best tasting almonds ever, I love them, I feel like I'm frying on acid, it's so intense. Everything is so hyper charged Im beaming and also so very sore. I must move slowly.
I walk down 4 flights of stairs and out onto the street embracing and thanking her profusely for I am truly amazed. I hope a bus to meet a good friend for lunch and she give me a bowl of almonds caked with seaweed and yeast and a pot of chamomeal tea. later i receive a text from Miss Patti Goldsmith a quote from Oprah- "Forgiveness is about letting go of the hope that you can control the past". Can I get another halelew?
