Astonished - by unASLEEP

6 things to remember-Church on the Playa

John's big breath it through ...

I availed myself to the chambers of the Lady Miss Cleary, the breath work specialist today, and wouldn't you know it I re birthed right there on the bed. I did more than that I finally got in touch with those troubling hot spots in my lower abdomen, the ones that i don't like to feel so I spend allot of time in my head thinking and driving my body into the ground. You see I have a hard time letting go of things from my past and wouldn't you know it-some of those things are from past lives. Now I'm as skeptical as the next disappointed American bushwhacked by the media and the Protestant work ethic, but let me tell you Ive been made a believer today. Truly I didn't know if I was up for it, the breathing and all, but I had never done breath work outside of some Tartaric experiences many years ago in the body electric school. Those experiences left me wanting more; feeling revived but not relieved. In short the healing also caused me great damage from which I ran. It was sort of a magic fire of erotic spirituality gone wrong, for I was burned very badly by the spiritual flame that I found and in that circle there were no burn specialists to aid me.

Knowing this I was cautious entering anything that would cause what they told me was a flooding experience. Floods Fires Burns Drowning, its all so dramatic, but ultimately this is my experience of human nature-extremes. Lady Miss Cleary on the other hand was in a league unknown to my eye. This was a private, not erotic focused, breath work session. And yes it was work. She said Many things might come up and to try and accept them and push through them, that old stuff would be released and may reveal it's history on it's way out.. As for me I stopped eating animal products 3 days ago, something I never do, but it just started without any resistance on my part. I watched Oprah and she did a week of vegan to see what would come of it, so I was convinced to give it a try. I was not seeking anything life changing, just an awareness that I was not going to eat animals for awhile and drink water more. What i didn't connect was that Miss Cleary had recommended to me that i arrive on an empty stomach, so I did, but i began relieving my system of heavy items days before and this actually helped facilitate my release. I bit of synchro-destiny at play, I often say that my body knows before I do and in this case she was right..and for that I'm grateful. so to get to the point of my experience here, I'd like to preface it with saying you may think me odd or even nuts for what I'm about to share. But I have to be real and speak my truth just the same.

First we started the breathing and it was a three part process 2 in 1 out all through the mouth. deep inhale to low belly followed quickly by second inhale to upper lungs and firm exit from the mouth -in in out in in out in in out and so on... Doing this for an extended time created a buzzing in my ears and a tingling feeling on my arms legs and face, my mind said this is to much and it showed me all the reasons it wouldn't work-(to protect me I might ad), but Lady Miss Cleary said that this could happen and to keep breathing and let the body take over and trust the process, so trust I did and breath I did indeed. Soon my hands where curling up and locked into a fusion and my mouth and lips to became somewhat pursed and firm, It was the oddest feeling , after some time,I sensed that I could not breath and had a strong desire to open my mouth and massage my jaw and neck and lips, stretching and puling , even pressing, I asked Lady Miss Cleary to please press firmly on my shoulders -and press them down into the mattress I was lying upon. This all seemed vitally important , almost medical.

-I KEPT SENSING SOMETHING COMING UP FROM VERY DEEP INSIDE ME, FROM MY SACRUM,

It was a burning and trembling sensation, after a time of trying to open myself up I realized what was the matter. For I knew very clearly that I had given birth alone in private, I have no idea where the people were but I was doing this alone. I dont know whow this came to be but it was a vision. This tiny black baby was birthed from me and it was not breathing, I was frantically attempting to open it's airways and mouth to blow air into him and to massage his tiny body into some form of activation and it just would work, I just couldn't do it, I realized that I was losing my baby and there was nothing I could find to make that not be so. Lady Miss Cleary made me aware of someone or something to invite to my heart, to give it over to the heart, then a tall white lady came in and i knew her, I've seen her prior and I intuitively knew she had been with me all along, all though my life. and she placed her hands in my heart and I fretfully released the child to her, my dead child being taken by this angelic mother being. I know I have to let go and give him up but I cant give up yet and so its a tormented dance.

So what you would have seen I suspect was me,as a tormented crying angry woman giving birth to a dying baby that she wasn't ready to give up on yet. Fact is Ive been holding onto this situation for an incredibly long time and it's informed my current life in so many ways I could not have known till this surrendering. Meanwhile back to john laying on Melanie's bed crying and screaming from a very deep and old place. I'm barely aware of the life I thought I was leading up until this point, it's vanished in this dream regression, voodoo, tantra, breath shrine, detox, re-birthing experience. Whats left now is me exhausted and the phrase, I want to die I want to die going over and over and over in my mind, I cant live with this loss, I don't wish to live and I'm speaking to god directly, no one else, I'm telling god to please let me die. I'm ready now! Miss Melanie steps in and gently touches my feet and I'm suddenly -instantly grounded and stabilized. I know I'm not usually the most grounded person, I'm one of those "flying boys" that therapists talk about, but with all this loss locked up in this body, I'd be flying to, wouldn't you? Its certainly an adaptive strategy under dire circumstances. Lady Miss Cleary asks me to belly laugh hard and deep. and I'm thinking what did you just say? I just lost my baby and I want to die-"Oh no she didn't"This little white girl gone said the wrong thing" but she whispers something to me and its truth, she leans in and whispers 'you take yourself so seriously". I sort of froze at that I was frozen in two worlds the world of the mother who lost her son and failed to resuscitate him and John's world, the friend from school who came for a basic breath work session. And in this moment I know Ive got to learn to laugh at even this saddest of losses. Ive got to learn to laugh at this, because I am aware that I am the most serious man I know and I'm known for my seriousness. But here I am being offered another gift to bear upon this scene, the release of laughter, so I try, but it feels false and flat and I keep trying and then I cry some more, then I cry again and then I burst out laughing down to my toes and I feel my throat open up and love come rushing through and out, I'm almost singing. I want to sing. Here's where the clicking starts happening,

I'm so aware of how much love I have for my man and my friends, it's beaming from my aching heart, I have this massive abundance within me waiting to come out. I See my family and my mother and I say thank you god, thank you god. I'm going to speak my truth to them like never before and I'm finally going to free myself from the burdens Ive been carrying. It starts with the baby and the surrender of the hope of changing the situation, now I can forgive, though I feel I'm ripped open and horribly sore like I can barely walk. It really hurts to have given birth, It really hurts to lose your baby in your arms, I feel vacated painfully and yet light, so light in fact the light in the room is so incredibly bright that I can barely see. I fumble for my shoes, I cant really figure them out but the change from my pockets keeps moving from shoe to shoe, I am discombobulated as the say, wide open the light is so so intensely bright and even though I can barely stand I'm still saying thank you god thank you god. I am aware of starving and needing to eat but I need to be very careful what I ingest, so Lady Miss Clearly asks me to ask my body what it wants, and the first thing I know is 'seaweed and almonds", and I'm going to get them. She hands me a bowl of almonds and they are the best tasting almonds ever, I love them, I feel like I'm frying on acid, it's so intense. Everything is so hyper charged Im beaming and also so very sore. I must move slowly.

I walk down 4 flights of stairs and out onto the street embracing and thanking her profusely for I am truly amazed. I hope a bus to meet a good friend for lunch and she give me a bowl of almonds caked with seaweed and yeast and a pot of chamomeal tea. later i receive a text from Miss Patti Goldsmith a quote from Oprah- "Forgiveness is about letting go of the hope that you can control the past". Can I get another halelew?

What you get is a story.

I've just come from watching the 3rd Stieg Larsson film, "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". I really love this series. It's not as clean as the typical Hollywood drama, one that ends with everyone winning a clear emotional victory of some kind. The question that is on my mind is about the main Heroine. How can she move on after so much shit. Can she love again? Will she ever really trust? True, she's gained some justice and we are thrilled, but after the villains are slain and the injustices addressed, when the trials are over and she's left to herself as she is, then a new story is eminent. The story really doesn't end, it just continues on into the next moment.

I don't know one person who does not have a story to tell. In each of our lives there are several narratives that have defined how we live and how we respond as well as what our dreams and goals. Everyone has a story to tell. And I'd add to this that there are more stories than can be counted within each one of us. I'm not the only person who has wanted to tell his story, but in my case I'm not sure if I want to relive it. Sure I will admit, I'd love to have myself published, to be read and appreciated for having an experience to share with the world. There is a fantasy, and I'm not the only one who shares in it, of becoming famous for our life's drama. I wonder if I'd really feel better having achieved such a goal? I'm not sure I can truly answer that question.

I'm thinking of all the people that I pass each day on the street; what do we really know of the ordinary man or woman? Not much considering all the taboos in our society against disclosure. What we don't wear on our sleeves ends up in the box office to be sure. The theater is an acceptable venue to tell any story. Wouldn't you agree? Its safe, we can leave, we are in the dark, we can sink into the characters, feel there emotions-love pain fear etc. We can live a sort of secondary life outside our ordinary experience. I love the movies for this reason. In fact story telling is all we do. Can you think of anything you have learned that doesn't translate into someone telling someone else a story? Education is story, politics is story, memory is story, any time we talk it's story. Think about art, does it not tell a story? The evening news, ordinary gossip, ask anyone how they are doing today and what you get is a story. Ultimately my point is a story. Your opinion is also a story. Human beings are story telling, story consuming creatures, so I ask, where do most of the stories come from in our daily lives?

TV-Movies-Newspapers-Books-Conversation-Myths-Etiquette-Law-Illness-Death.

The brain was made to automatically seek out patterns in whatever our senses identify. It's true, so story is also 'pattern'. And you'll create story in whatever you see in your world.

Rampage of Invincibility

If this environment has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, this environment has the wherewithal to deliver it to you, no exceptions.

Were going to start where you are and build you into the vibration that is necessary for you to be, do, or have anything you want.

I am beginning to understand that I am more than I see here in this physical body. I acknowledge that there is a larger part of me, a source energy part of me that is truly the essence of who I am. And I accept that a part of this consciousness is now flowing in this physical body and so there is a sort of duality going on within me where I have this stable beginning and becoming, and then there is the part of me that is focused here in this physical body. And I understand with clarity the value of the two parts of that which I am.

I can feel the eternalness of who I really am and I can feel the specifics of who I am in this human form on this leading edge time-space platform. And I am beginning to feel appreciation for the contrasts that surrounds me that once I condemned and now I embrace because I can feel that the contrast is inspiring yet another new idea from me and I remember feeling a new idea being born within me and hating the birthing of it because it was an idea that I did not believe and therefore brought me pain.

But now I’m experiencing the thrill of giving birth to new ideas, and even though I don’t know how or when or who, it will come about I don’t know where, I don’t have the details of how it will unfold. I do have Faith or belief in the laws of the universe and I am knowing that I am a creator who having given birth to this idea will be given all of the advantages of the resources of source in order to accomplish it.

So while I stand in this place of wanting something that I have no way of figuring out how it’s going to be…I am feeling soothed in the awareness of it, no more than soothed,

I not only feel soothed about having given birth to an idea of something that I want, I’m feeling enlivened by it. Because the larger part of me knows unequivocally that I am the own creator of my own experience and that larger part of me is not only looking at it and agreeing with it but has become the vibrational equivalent of it, that the larger part of me has already become what I’m asking for and so now it’s only a matter of the rest of me catching up with it and now that I know what I know I don’t think this will be too much trouble.

When I move in the direction of catching up with it I feel better and when I move in opposition of catching up with it I feel worse and I am feeling so sensitive to the way I’ve been feeling these days and I’m so proud of myself because I’m aware of when I’m going with the flow and when I am not, I’m aware of when I’m moving downstream and when I’m moving upstream, I can feel when I’m letting myself be who I have become and I can feel when I’m not letting myself be who I have become and I’m no longer mad at myself in the moments when I’m not letting myself be who I’ve become because those moment only help me know the difference in the guidance system. I can feel I’m actually molding the clay.

I’m finally in the place, I don’t need to be the manifested receiver of everything that I want all at once because I know that it’s all coming, that there will never be a time when I’m not sending more rockets of desire into my future.

I’m finally beginning to get it that I never get it done and I cannot get it wrong because everything I’m living is causing and expansion and I can tell by the way I feel that I am moving toward that expansion or not. Finally I’m begging to understand that it was never about the fulfillment or the manifestation anyway!

These things that I want are only my target to focus upon so that I can ride this river of life.

I am fulfilled in the knowing that I am expanding and I am thrilled in the knowledge that I’ll never get it done, and I am satisfied, deeply satisfied with where I am. I am thrilled in knowing that I am where I am and that I’m putting the boat in the water wherever I am, and my knowledge that the stream is flowing downstream ever flowing towards all that I’ve become is enough for me to feel satisfaction where I am.

No more will I nit-pick as I measure the distance between where I am and where I want to be. Instead I flow on this joyous river and I experience the exhilarating feeling of motion toward my expansion. I can feel that the source within me loves me and adores me and has become the expanded version and I can feel that there is no remorse or discomfort whatsoever in the being of my source.

My source; not for a moment; looks at me where I stand and compares where I am to where it is and mocks me in the non-achievement. Instead the source within me that is expanded as a result of what I have lived stands in loving appreciation of all that I have become and calls me never endedly toward it. And now I get it that that’s what life is, that the duality of me, that the source energy that was willing to come forth that expanded out further and now the physical part of me that’s willing to catch up. I now get my place in this universe. I’m important to the expansion of the universe and it’s time for me to receive the benefit of my expansion. And now I know how.

Passion is a River

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest man in the world and sometimes I feel cursed. Most of the time I feel hurried and behind schedule. Once in awhile I arrive at a silent window of total peace that wakes me from my cultural sleep. I find myself totally in the moment; hand in hand with a completely silent mind; I know that there is a freedom beyond anything I've imagined. I sense it's power, it's vast and great Profundity, like the sun itself, obvious, alien... and then it slips away. "Slipping" is an inaccurate verb. for I believe 'it' doesn't slip away, but that it is I who sail away from "it", or careen off into realms of my own desiring. Desire pulls consciousness, bends the attention, draws us towards that magical mirage of something wanted. Desire has the ability to shape will; pure and unfettered the will arises as the handmaiden of desire. Will is the servant of intention, neutral, loyal, waiting for the call. The deeper the passion the clearer the call.

Passion is our river, Will is the vessel that rides the waves, desire is the land not yet seen...

Emotional Cost Analysis

Life today,

The cost of becoming a Doctor is more than financial, it's emotional as well. Can anyone say "STRESS"

The State of California Budget is still unsigned and they are the ones that provide Vocational Rehabilitation with Capitol to pay for people like myself to Learn a new career and get back to work! A wonderful Gift our society has given to itself. Yeah Society!

Voc-Rehab has been assisting and supporting me all the way through this process, encouraging me to go to community college to complete my pre-requisites , paying for special preparatory class on the GRE, and paying for the GRE test itself and the GRE PSYCH Exam. Sending me to Hypnosis certification School, to add a specialization to my final Goals of PsyD/PhD. and paying for some of my Books, Supplies, Travel expenses and Tuitions. All this in preparation for my applying to graduate schools for Psychology all over the Bay area so I can give up being a professional 'Handy-Man' and become a Doctor and help my society etc.

Now I've started this Graduate program, I received lots of financial aid and had to accept some loans and Vocational Rehabilitation was to fill in the final expenses. but because of the State delays, nothing is coming, everything is on hold, The book costs and tuition allotment they provided actually made this possible. Otherwise I would not have enough money.

Im the guy in school who does not qualify for graduate PLUS loan to cover the remaining costs, so Voc-Rehab is absolutely essential. 98% of the Doctoral Students need Graduate PLUS loans to help them to help pay for expenses. They are not a freebees, not by a long shot. However I Don't qualify because of my disability bankruptcy in Oct.2007. They have a policy of 5 years before they allow grad plus loans after Chapter 7 discharges. I contested the Denial decision and did the all paperwork and had the meeting to discuss my situation. Still denied. :-( In short I might qualify in 2.5 years, The guy said, "It's so easy to get an and endorser and when you consolidate at the end of the education, their name will be off the loan. Blah blah blah. Everyone I know is in pretty much the same boat financially these days, especially now with the market. This is not an uncommon story.

I've decided to stay focused, work and study and wait for the State. I've just enough for fall and spring tuition, two full semesters. I'll deal with summer when summer comes. My program requires full time summer school attendance, so really I have 3 semesters to pay for each year, but I will not have the summer tuition if Voc Rehab isnt funded, and I'd still need more cause it's still short.

This is really frustrating because It's been 3 dedicated years just to get here, just to get in. And I would not have believed it was ever possible without my supportive counselor at Voc-Rehab, the tests they gave me revealing my strengths and aptitudes, the career options best suited to my test results etc. . Dont get me wrong, I am very very Grateful for all this amazing help they are providing. BUT, I only walked into this entire situation with the knowledge of receiving aid and I committed to basic loans and received other grants as well. All non refundable expenses. I've committed myself financially and worked very hard and steadily to get here and now I'm afraid I will not be able to stay and this makes me so upset and angry and sad.

I fear being told, sorry, your poor- too poor and you did 'life' wrong somehow... You got sick, you didn't work, you should have done XYand Z...and and and...

I'm currently spending so much time on school work that my ability to do my other current job is very limited because of the graduate school workload, it's a HUGE load and the biggest responsibility I've ever undertaken. I'm proud to take this on. It's an Honor. I feel blessed.

But sometimes, like now, I'm reminded of my Grandfather removing me from his will, a shitty mystery? "the gay kid is out"...perhaps... I think of my choice to go through with the "Disability Bankruptcy" in 2008 because while recovering from MS problems and other health issues, I could not work enough to pay my rent, much less my credit cards; one credit card company actually drained my bank account of the pittance of disability funds I had received..which by the way was Illegal...(still angry about that one because I do and did pay into social security! and it's protected from collections by federal law so banks cant take your social security when your sick) but I digress...

We all have our problems. Drudging up the past does nothing but make me lose focus and feel bitterness. None of us can afford resentment or bitterness over the past. Im sure you know the cycle. yatta yatta yatta..Cry me a river right? Maybe I have high end problems

I think part of me is wanting to quit and run off and say fuck it, this cant happen, your never going to be a Doctor.

My dad said "Psychology is Satan's Work".

My mom worries it's a poor choice on my part. that I'll be giving up my Artistic Freedoms...

Still another part says, "if I run and quit, I'll live in regret for the rest of my life and die a bitter poor old queen...

Again, mine are high end problems.

I don't live under martial law in Iraq, half my family murdered, millions dead.

Im not dressed in army fatigues, suffering from PTSD and needing Psychological care, (which I plan to provide when I graduate)

I'm not the gay teen being beaten to death in wyoming for desiring and loving a man.

I still have a place to call home in a very safe neighborhood with nice loving people all around me, many of whom are here from war torn countries looking for a better life.

Get the picture?

Maybe you will help allot of gay men and women find strength to live happy and prosperous lives with their heads held high .

Maybe your going to Help the soldier Suffering with PTSD,

Maybe your going to be there when a Woman and her child need help because they have fled for their lives.

And maybe you wont...

And then there is another voice inside, one that says,

"It will all be alright." "Do what you can when you can and practice taking right actions despite having huge fears, doubts and Insecurities... it's not courage if your not afraid...

Time will reveal what is to come and you will accept what comes with grace head on. Don"t Quit 5 minutes before the miracle!

You will be shown the way to give back what you have been so generously given though it may be in a way you could never have dreamed of.

It may look nothing like what you thought it would...It may be another path altogether. So stop Clinging so hard, you'll give yourself a head-ache.

Let go of your expectations, your pretty picture of pathological control. Let go of being a guest on Oprah, let go of winning the Lotto. Let go of Fear of financial insecurity.

Let Go. Because whatever is coming will definitely come and what is it your really afraid of anyway?

Beyond the Fear of not getting what you want?

Beyond the fear of losing what you have?

What are you Really Afraid of?

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Love is the best thing--