Emotional Cost Analysis

Life today,

The cost of becoming a Doctor is more than financial, it's emotional as well. Can anyone say "STRESS"

The State of California Budget is still unsigned and they are the ones that provide Vocational Rehabilitation with Capitol to pay for people like myself to Learn a new career and get back to work! A wonderful Gift our society has given to itself. Yeah Society!

Voc-Rehab has been assisting and supporting me all the way through this process, encouraging me to go to community college to complete my pre-requisites , paying for special preparatory class on the GRE, and paying for the GRE test itself and the GRE PSYCH Exam. Sending me to Hypnosis certification School, to add a specialization to my final Goals of PsyD/PhD. and paying for some of my Books, Supplies, Travel expenses and Tuitions. All this in preparation for my applying to graduate schools for Psychology all over the Bay area so I can give up being a professional 'Handy-Man' and become a Doctor and help my society etc.

Now I've started this Graduate program, I received lots of financial aid and had to accept some loans and Vocational Rehabilitation was to fill in the final expenses. but because of the State delays, nothing is coming, everything is on hold, The book costs and tuition allotment they provided actually made this possible. Otherwise I would not have enough money.

Im the guy in school who does not qualify for graduate PLUS loan to cover the remaining costs, so Voc-Rehab is absolutely essential. 98% of the Doctoral Students need Graduate PLUS loans to help them to help pay for expenses. They are not a freebees, not by a long shot. However I Don't qualify because of my disability bankruptcy in Oct.2007. They have a policy of 5 years before they allow grad plus loans after Chapter 7 discharges. I contested the Denial decision and did the all paperwork and had the meeting to discuss my situation. Still denied. :-( In short I might qualify in 2.5 years, The guy said, "It's so easy to get an and endorser and when you consolidate at the end of the education, their name will be off the loan. Blah blah blah. Everyone I know is in pretty much the same boat financially these days, especially now with the market. This is not an uncommon story.

I've decided to stay focused, work and study and wait for the State. I've just enough for fall and spring tuition, two full semesters. I'll deal with summer when summer comes. My program requires full time summer school attendance, so really I have 3 semesters to pay for each year, but I will not have the summer tuition if Voc Rehab isnt funded, and I'd still need more cause it's still short.

This is really frustrating because It's been 3 dedicated years just to get here, just to get in. And I would not have believed it was ever possible without my supportive counselor at Voc-Rehab, the tests they gave me revealing my strengths and aptitudes, the career options best suited to my test results etc. . Dont get me wrong, I am very very Grateful for all this amazing help they are providing. BUT, I only walked into this entire situation with the knowledge of receiving aid and I committed to basic loans and received other grants as well. All non refundable expenses. I've committed myself financially and worked very hard and steadily to get here and now I'm afraid I will not be able to stay and this makes me so upset and angry and sad.

I fear being told, sorry, your poor- too poor and you did 'life' wrong somehow... You got sick, you didn't work, you should have done XYand Z...and and and...

I'm currently spending so much time on school work that my ability to do my other current job is very limited because of the graduate school workload, it's a HUGE load and the biggest responsibility I've ever undertaken. I'm proud to take this on. It's an Honor. I feel blessed.

But sometimes, like now, I'm reminded of my Grandfather removing me from his will, a shitty mystery? "the gay kid is out"...perhaps... I think of my choice to go through with the "Disability Bankruptcy" in 2008 because while recovering from MS problems and other health issues, I could not work enough to pay my rent, much less my credit cards; one credit card company actually drained my bank account of the pittance of disability funds I had received..which by the way was Illegal...(still angry about that one because I do and did pay into social security! and it's protected from collections by federal law so banks cant take your social security when your sick) but I digress...

We all have our problems. Drudging up the past does nothing but make me lose focus and feel bitterness. None of us can afford resentment or bitterness over the past. Im sure you know the cycle. yatta yatta yatta..Cry me a river right? Maybe I have high end problems

I think part of me is wanting to quit and run off and say fuck it, this cant happen, your never going to be a Doctor.

My dad said "Psychology is Satan's Work".

My mom worries it's a poor choice on my part. that I'll be giving up my Artistic Freedoms...

Still another part says, "if I run and quit, I'll live in regret for the rest of my life and die a bitter poor old queen...

Again, mine are high end problems.

I don't live under martial law in Iraq, half my family murdered, millions dead.

Im not dressed in army fatigues, suffering from PTSD and needing Psychological care, (which I plan to provide when I graduate)

I'm not the gay teen being beaten to death in wyoming for desiring and loving a man.

I still have a place to call home in a very safe neighborhood with nice loving people all around me, many of whom are here from war torn countries looking for a better life.

Get the picture?

Maybe you will help allot of gay men and women find strength to live happy and prosperous lives with their heads held high .

Maybe your going to Help the soldier Suffering with PTSD,

Maybe your going to be there when a Woman and her child need help because they have fled for their lives.

And maybe you wont...

And then there is another voice inside, one that says,

"It will all be alright." "Do what you can when you can and practice taking right actions despite having huge fears, doubts and Insecurities... it's not courage if your not afraid...

Time will reveal what is to come and you will accept what comes with grace head on. Don"t Quit 5 minutes before the miracle!

You will be shown the way to give back what you have been so generously given though it may be in a way you could never have dreamed of.

It may look nothing like what you thought it would...It may be another path altogether. So stop Clinging so hard, you'll give yourself a head-ache.

Let go of your expectations, your pretty picture of pathological control. Let go of being a guest on Oprah, let go of winning the Lotto. Let go of Fear of financial insecurity.

Let Go. Because whatever is coming will definitely come and what is it your really afraid of anyway?

Beyond the Fear of not getting what you want?

Beyond the fear of losing what you have?

What are you Really Afraid of?

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Love is the best thing--